Keira
In the year 2010, fate brought a little girl into my life. Fatherhood, a role that many take on at a younger age, was bestowed upon me at the ripe age of 43 – a full 16 years beyond the average for men in this nation. And yet, it was a decision that I made with great purpose. Growing up with very little, and perhaps being a bit overly self-reflective, I was cautious about forming a relationship with someone else when I lacked so much confidence in myself. However, higher education instilled a new sense of confidence in me – one that social class had previously stripped away. It was during my doctoral studies that I met the woman who would later become my wife. We connected immediately, and I felt at ease in her presence – able to be my authentic self without reservation. My education had given me a new perspective on my own worth, and finally, I was comfortable in my own skin.
My wife and I were deliberate in our decision not to start a family right away. Instead, we waited until we had achieved major career milestones – for me, that was gaining tenure, and for my wife, completing her licensure in professional counseling. We both came from modest backgrounds and made sure to live within our means. I remember the moment I knew I was ready to start a family. It was a cold evening with a setting sun, and my wife and I were at my sister-in-law’s house. Watching my niece and nephew play joyously with their Christmas presents, I flashed back to my own happy Christmas memories with my parents when they were still together. I thought about how Kyle and Katie’s parents were creating precious memories for them, and I envied that.
Tara and I began trying to conceive, but it didn’t happen immediately. After a year of no success, we each got checked out, and everything seemed fine. We eventually got pregnant, but sadly, we suffered a miscarriage. About a year later, we got pregnant again, but once more, our joy was short-lived as Tara suffered a tubal pregnancy. At that point, we thought it was time to give up on the idea of having children and consider the financial benefits of traveling the world together.
It was during our 10th wedding anniversary in Maui that we joked about the average cost of raising a child to the age of 18 – a staggering $243,000. I remember seeing all the people walking around with strollers and thinking of them as a bunch of damn breeders.
Our first night in Maui, we were awoken suddenly at 5 o’clock in the morning by my sister-in-law, who was checking to see if we were okay. There had been a major earthquake in Chile, and the Hawaiian Islands were under a Tsunami warning. We were lucky to be on the tenth floor and were told that all guests were to be above the fourth floor after 10 am. That was February 27th, and our daughter Keira was born 9 months to the day.
As an expectant father, I was nervous and perhaps not the most emotionally supportive. I was afraid to become too invested, as we had already experienced two previous miscarriages. Additionally, my mother was dying of stage 4 lung cancer, and although she was aware of our impending arrival, she passed away before Keira’s birth. However, Keira’s arrival brought a renewed sense of purpose and helped me navigate my grief. Over time, she has changed my outlook on the universe and my place in it. I want to provide her with opportunities that I never had, and I waited for her – my little muse.
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